Blog Cleanup

Hey everyone,

Cleaned up the sidebar a bit (it was getting clustered). Hope you enjoy. I’ve also added my other blogs if you feel like seeing glitch art or virtual graffiti.

I’ve seen some wonderful movies this weekend. Expect some reviews this week.

I’m also thinking of doing some “Top X” posts here and there. Stuff I’ve already seen and won’t review but that I might suggest you watch. I’ve done it once or twice informally before. I want to make it something more official.

Cheers!

STITCHES (2012)

Written by Conor McMahon and David O’Brien. Directed by Conor McMahon. Stars Ross Noble, Tommy Knight and Eoghan McQuinn.

SYNOPSIS:

A clown dies at a kid’s birthday party. Years later, he comes back to the same kid’s party, who is now a teenager.

REVIEW:

Nightmare on Elm Street. This movie spoofs Nightmare on Elm Street. Remember when I argued that Clown was a werewolf movie in which they changed the werewolf into a clown? Well here they changed Freddy for Stitches.

There are many things that are wrong with this movie. The acting is incredibly subpar, the movie quality feels like a film school project at times and  the actors seem to be actual high schoolers, which incidentally feels wrong due to their sexualisation of a few of the underage girls. In many ways, it feels like a Troma movie without the gross factor.

And yet, there’s also something inherently great about the movie. It’s creative, in a time where movies are quickly becoming jump scare, found-footage factories. It had me feel nostalgic for the days I watched a NoES movie for the first time and watched Freddy find yet another way to torture and murder one of the teenagers. The scenes are that creative. I mean, we’re talking about a deaths like using a man’s intestines as one would those elongated balloons clown use to make balloon animals, or blowing a man’s head up like a balloon (pictured above). We’re talking about a dead clown’s travelling nose being used to spy on kids or Stitches making sure the house cat won’t stop the nose by grabbing it and slamming it against the wall nine times (one for each life, to make sure).

It’s weird because the quality of the movie is so subpar and yet the quality of the special effects are so top notch, it almost feels like a special effect student’s portfolio. Which, to be honest, I don’t mind. I prefer a cheesy movie with superb effects than a blockbuster with cheap CGI.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?

Sure. The beginning is very slow and the middle of the movie is almost entirely teenage drama but once Stitches show up, it takes a turn towards greatness.

BITTER FEAST (2010)

Written and directed by Joe Maggio. Stars James Le Gros, Joshua Leonard and Amy Seimetz.

SYNOPSIS:

A cook who’s just lost his TV show snaps after receiving a scathing review from a food blogger.

REVIEW:

I get what the movie is trying to be: this generation’s Misery. People don’t read anymore, so let’s turn the writer into a blogger. Let’s turn Kathy Bates into a cook. It’s a fine idea, I guess. Though it’s a very obvious adaptation of it and it doesn’t help that James Le Gros looks exactly like a younger Stephen King…

But ultimately, it doesn’t really pay up. While the blogger’s torture can be seen as original (the cook forces the blogger to cook food properly based on negative reviews the blogger had done and punishes him for failing), it still ends up being a very long, very tedious movie with next to no entertaining conclusion. It’s easy to figure out how the story will end and while Maggio throws us a curve by having the blogger’s girlfriend show up in the last few minutes, it’s not enough to feel like something to remember.

I don’t expect to remember having watched this, in a year’s time.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?

Skip it.

SILENT HOUSE (2011)

Written by Gustavo Hernández and Laura Lau. Directed by Chris Kentis and Laura Lau. Stars Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese and Eric Sheffer Stevens.

SYNOPSIS:

The OTHER Olsen sister cries and runs in a house and then a twist ending reveals why.

REVIEW:

Based on a Uruguayan movie, this movie is in REAL TIME. You know REAL TIME? You’ll know REAL TIME when you watch the extras on the DVD of this movie. What is REAL TIME, you say? It’s REAL TIME! It says so on the box!

On a serious note, Real Time is apparently a practice where every minute in the movie is a minute in the life of the character. No cuts to a later time, no flashbacks, etc. It was done in Hitchcock’s Rope. It’s done here. Moreso, it’s filmed so that it appears to be one continuous shot (though the making-off scenes make it quite obvious it’s not the case). The result is eerie and is perhaps the creepiest part of the movie. The story itself? Sigh.

After a few minutes of back and forth between the characters regarding a house they’re emptying so as to renovate and sell, chaos starts to happen. By chaos, I mean that Elizabeth Olsen’s character Sarah starts freaking out about something that you don’t really see. Oh, you’ll see a boot, a shadow, a quick glance at something but the focus of the camera is always on her, so while Sarah cowers and cries, you never really get why. Something or someone is in the house with her, sure. But while you watch teary-eyed Sarah run away with the camera following her, you never really feel anything close to danger happening. Does it look pretty? Yes. Is it entertaining? No. Of course, the last few minutes properly explain WHY the movie was filmed this way and while it’s logical and clever, it doesn’t make for an entertaining story.

I’ll give the directors props for shooting in one location, with (mostly) one actress and next to no lights. I don’t think Kentis and Lau are bad on a technical aspect. I just think they chose a weird way to get creative with the medium by choosing a story that clearly suffered for it.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?

The story isn’t super original, and the scenes are Olsen-centric. If you’re into crying Olsens, maybe?

PULSE 3: INVASION (2008)

Written and directed by Joel Soisson. Stars Brittany Renee Finamore, Rider Strong and Todd Giebenhain.

SYNOPSIS:

Jamie Bamber’s daughter is now seventeen, which doesn’t make sense considering the Pulse timeline. She sets out on an adventure that ends up being Black Snake Moan mixed with Catfish.

REVIEW:

LIGHTNING ROUND 3!

  • Codename: Pulse: Black Snake Groan
  • First things first: Justine is seventeen. That doesn’t make any sense. In Pulse 2, she’s six. Bamber tells his mistress not to use expletives around his six year-old daughter. Pulse 3 happens seven years later (stated in the intro), so she should be thirteen. Unless you’re telling me that the movie happens seven years after the cold opening and the cold opening was four years after the other two movies. That’s the only way she can be seventeen.
  • EXCEPT THAT THE COLD OPENING HAPPENS IN HOUSTON. We know this because Rider’s character Adam is the one eventually asking Justine to find him in Houston, where Ziegler is. That puts everyone in Houston. So if it’s four years after the first movie, Adam should be living in the wrecked city shown at the end of the first movie. But everything is nice and clean so I go back to thinking they messed up Justine’s age or didn’t care. If Soisson doesn’t, why should I?
  • Also what the hell kind of technology does Adam have? He’s watching his girlfriend’s cellphone camera on four different screens, each with a different angle. What?! That’s not how that works, Soisson.
  • Justine is a rebel teen with makeup. Everyone around her turned Amish. How did she learn to apply makeup?
  • She finds a seven year old busted laptop in an open car. Not like there’s any way the rain could have flooded it, right? No no, it’s still working perfectly. It still has a connection to the internet! In the middle of AMISH CITY, USA. SEVEN YEARS AFTER THE CITIES FELL TO GHOSTS. Yeah, fuck you. “Oh but the ghosts now have total control of the waves,” you say. OUTERWORDLY GHOSTS SHOULDN’T KNOW HOW TO OPERATE TECHNOLOGY. I’m raging, I’m raging…
  • HOW THE FUCK DOES JUSTINE KNOW HOW TO USE A COMPUTER? She was six in the last movie and ALREADY people stayed away from computers. HOW DOES SHE KNOW COMPUTER SPEAK?!
  • And here we have a plotline stripped straight out of Black Snake Moan. White blonde girl chained to the floor by magical negro trope who carries around a bible. Except that his one wants to use Justine as bait to bring back the ghost of his wife!
  • WIFE DOES THE EXPECTED AND EATS HIS SOUL.
  • He dies instantly. W-what?! That’s NOT HOW YOUR RULES WORK, PULSE!
  • THERE A GHOST OF A RECORD PLAYER. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
  • Screensavers stop ghosts from appearing. Windows sleep mode 1, ghosts 0.
  • Fuck you, Pulse.
  • How strong is that goddamn signal? She walks for days and still has a connection?
  • So much green screen again.
  • Every piece of discarded battery-operated pieces of equipment still work seven (or eleven?) years after the cities fell.
  • This is perhaps because ghosts can recharge laptops apparently. This must be what Nikola Tesla was working on.
  • She wants to stop the one human with a plan to stop the ghosts. Because of that misunderstood Twilight-level love between a bland girl and an undead (much older) boy. LOVE > SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES.
  • HAH! She stopped him for nothing. Sucks to be you.
  • Using an EMP against electro-magnetic ghosts isn’t a bad idea… That’s actually clever. Uh.

Man, that was bad. It’s one thing to bend the rules a little: it’s another to completely destroy them in order to be able to ape more successful movies that had just come out. Imagine if the Scream series suddenly had a real ghost as Ghostface. Or if Jason threw fireballs. You can only divert from your own rules before people ask what the hell is going on. Soisson doesn’t care. Soisson only writes and directs shitty sequels. Seriously! Mimic 2, Dracula 2, Hollow Man 2 and so on. I have no idea how he keeps getting these jobs. Honestly, the Pulse sequels are worse than Troll 2. At least Troll 2 had memorable quotes.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?

I suffered so you wouldn’t have to. Everything you needed to know, I’ve told you. Now go in peace and watch better shit.

Two Ave Romeros and Three Spatter Noster for your delicious sins!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 70 other followers